In Which There is Urgency

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I keep trying to think of what it is I could possibly like about knitting. Why there’s an urgency to it with every project. Because I buy yarn, and I can’t wait to start working with it. Then I cast on and can’t wait to finish so I can wear it. Then I never wear it. I rarely wear what I make.

What is there to like in this cycle?

There’s legitimate reasons. The repetitiveness. The calming quality. The pleasure in having made something. But the reason I give time and time again, and that I’ve given in this Internet space over and over again, is that it’s how I know to love people.

But I say the same about writing. I could give you volumes of words I’ve written for people I love, because it’s frequently the best way I know to convey how strongly I feel In. That. Moment. Volumes of letters and stories and poems. Greeting cards and notes passed in class. For people who didn’t really know what they meant, and for people who I know will never lose the words I had for them. A red piece of notebook paper from middle school with words written in gold gel pen, and stars drawn on the top that were originally hearts but I re-did because I thought that was too much. I asked “Do you play baseball? I’m pretty sure you do.” But back then, it was just as legitimate and meaningful as anything I say now, and I still remember it.

So there’s more than one way for me to show I love someone. I know that now. My other reasons also fall through, by this logic. I like making sure the people I love are never cold, that they wrap themselves in the hours I put into the sweater or hat or blanket. Hours that were just about them. I like taking care of people in this way. I like taking care of people in more ways than that, though. I know that now.
I want so badly to take care of someone.

Where does this urgency in knitting come from then? Why am I not just willing, but sometimes emotionally and mentally required, to knit for hours on end, until my fingers cramp up and refuse to knit even one more stitch? If that urgency falls away, what am I left with?

I’m serious about this. What am I left with? I have a cardigan in my purse that I’m working on. I don’t want to want it to be finished, I don’t want to want it to reach a certain part. I want to want to knit on a partially finished sweater.

And I want to listen to a podcast without wanting it to be over so I can hear the next one, in case something exciting happens in it. I want to write this blog post without worrying when the next one will come out. I want to take a breath without wondering what the Tourette’s will want my next breath to be like. Will it be short and gaspy, or a deep breath in until my chest wants to burst? I want this one, and only this one, to be complete. I want to smile at the train conductor with the kind eyes and feel my stomach do that thing I forgot it could do when something is only an idea, and just feel that without wondering if I’ll look back on that moment a year from now. And I want to write this down, all of this, the way I understand love to be, without worrying who will read it. Whoever is meant to hear these particular words will, and whoever is not will pass right over it. And also I don’t understand it. There’s so many things I just don’t understand, no matter how much explanation I’m given. None of it makes sense. I’m not stupid enough to think I’ll ever understand much of anything that happens. So there’s that.

I want to feel things and question things and doubt things. I want to doubt things.  I want to talk about the past with my mother in a way that doesn’t make her ask, “What happened to you along the way so you think everything is your fault?” I want to remember things are not my fault, that something Bigger and Stronger has a hand in everything I do. I want my heart to break, and I want to FEEL it. Not ignore it. It is a real thing to feel, and I don’t want to cheat myself of that. I want to cry for everything i feel is lost, taken. But also, I want to be happy in every moment. Every moment I’m not happy, without good reason to be otherwise, is a wasted moment. I want to ensure every moment is a good one, and I want that to be enough for me. I want this moment to be enough.

This moment I enough. But there’s an urgency to how much I want it to be enough. I don’t think this urgency will ever be gone, for anything. I think it’s too far off. And what will I be left with without it? Because if I’m being honest, I’m in a damn big hurry to find out what comes next.

(A lot has changed since my last blog post. I don’t want to write it all here, because it’s strange to see the words. I did podcast about though, which I recommend because I’m very delightful over here.)

In Which All of My Pictures are from Google Images Because I Don’t Have Any Actual Rodents to Photograph

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Now that college is over and I’m not moving back and forth between home and different dorms every few months, my brain thinks its time for a puppy. Somewhere along the line I worked it out in my head that when you get out of college, you are a Grown Up, and Grown Ups can have puppies if they damn want them.

What I didn’t consider was sometimes Grown Ups are drowning in student loans, and find themselves back with parents who are allergic to dogs. And cats.

This hasn’t stopped me from trying to think of ways to get a puppy. I have a series of elaborate plans set in place involving finding a small, hypo-allergenic dog and smuggling it into my bedroom.

I was listening to some of the Savvy Girls Podcast’s back episodes, and the one where Melanie adopts her gerbils came up.

A gerbil, you say? Something small and furry that loves you but that your mom won’t be allergic to, you say? That sounds perfect, you say?

Indeed.

Since the idea of small furries was presented to me, I’ve been researching different kinds of rodents. For your reference, here are my findings:

Hamsters

- Hamsters run on their wheels for almost all of their waking hours
- Hamsters are nocturnal

That’s where I stopped reading and moved on.

Gerbils

- Gerbils are not nocturnal. This is already better.
- They are desert animals, so they don’t consume as much as other animals, and therefore don’t smell as bad.
- They eat toilet paper rolls. That’s just environmentally friendly.
- They need other gerbils to live with in case they get scared, so they can snuggle. That is so cute it is physically painful.
- They have to be same sex if they live in the same cage, because otherwise they breed like wildfire. This catholic girl doesn’t need all that rodent hanky panky while shes getting ready in the morning. Or ever.
- Okay. This one is silly because it’s kind of the point of gerbils: they’re so damn small. Like, never-find-them-again-because-they-escaped-into-the-duct-work small. There’s a lot of OCD going on in my house. We don’t need lost gerbils to add to it.

So, sorry gerbils, but you’re going the way of hamsters.

Which brings us to…

Guinea pigs

-Guinea pigs are SO FAT, and therefore will never get lost unless I’m especially neglectful.
- They can walk on a leash

- They eat fruit. I have visions of sharing a clementine with them
- They also like to sleep in piles
- You guys, they purr. Guinea pigs purr. How can anyone even handle that?!?
- They are fat lards. This might seem redundant, but it bears repeating because it’s so cute.
- Sometimes they look like this fat lard:

Guinea pigs are the clear winner.

My plan was to get two boys, and name them Gordie and Schnitzel (please note I have no idea what an actual Schnitzel is). Schnitzel is a troublemaker, and Gordie is kind of slow so he always goes along witch Schnitzel’s half-baked schemes. This inevitably ends in Gordie finding himself in precarious situations that Schnitzel has to save him from, which makes everyone so happy they forget he was the one who got Gordie into the situation anyway. I make them fair isle sweater vests (they don’t coordinate with each other though, because that’s embarrassing of them), and they hang them in the dresser of my old Barbie dream house, where they live. They wear shower caps and sing in the shower.

My parents aren’t biting, though. Quotes from last night include:

“You will not bring a rodent into this house.”

“I don’t care what you name them, they’re still rodents.”

“Nothing wants to live in your room, it’s a disaster.”

Dan was mildly more receptive, but I’m not sure he’s totally convinced. He likes that they purr, and when I said they’re like mini cats, he said “mini cats, giant rats, either or.” He was at least charmed by their shower caps, though its possible he was scared of me after I sent him an all-caps text reading, “I JUST WANT SOMETHING WARM AND FLUFFY TO LOVE ME!!!”

In Which I Thought a Drop Spindle Would Be a Good Idea

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Sometimes listening to The Knitmore Girls podcast gives me a lot of *ideas*. Like how I knit socks now. Or how I found myself purchasing a Turkish drop spindle from Knit Picks.

They just make it seem so easy!

You know what’s not easy? Spinning. At all.

I was very convinced I would pull the fiber and spindle out of the box, and be on my way. I read a few instruction manuals and forums about it while I was waiting for it to come in the mail, and they made it seem easy as well.

So. Very. Easy.

I got four different colors in the Wool of the Andes roving KP sells, and, quite correctly, started with the color I liked least.

We don't need to talk about it. I know.

So, I tried again, because I’m no quitter.

Only moderately better.

The problem was it sounded so easy before I started that I just pulled up a few YouTube videos, and decided I knew how to do it.

I didn’t realize there was so much to it. The spindle is awkward in my hands, I keep breaking the yarn when I try to do what I’m pretty sure is supposed to be pre-drafting, the spindle doesn’t spin like the videos say it will, and my sleeves get twelve kinds of linty.

But you know what? It’s a pant-load of fun! Even if the finished product is ugly as sin.

Look at the variety. It’s anywhere from DK to super bulky, in my not-even-a-little expert opinion. You don’t get that just anywhere!

In Which I Get Rambly and Sentimental, But I Mean Well

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Dan and I decided to get married many months before we got engaged officially. In doing so, we made the commitment that we would always take care of each other, and take some responsibility for each others well being, using whatever skills we had. As a knitter, part of my responsibility to him is to keep him warm.

This. Is. A. Challenge. Good gracious, the boy is cold 100% of the time. To account for this, I’ve made him gloves, socks, and most recently, a scarf. Back in October, though, I gave him the biggest and most gorgeous thing I’ve ever made, if I do say so myself. Working on it made my heart sing. My grand opus, if you will.

Pattern: Aran by Norah Gaughan
Yarn: Caron Simply Soft
Needles: Erm… long circular bamboo ones?

I started this project in March, intending to give it to him for his birthday in early October. I worked on it every day it was cool enough, or the air conditioner was turned on (the summer months made knitting this a sticky experience). It was finished right in time to give to him.

Dan's 6'1", to give you an idea of how big this is

 

I like knitting for Dan, because my efforts are never in vain. He uses this blanket daily, and it moves back and forth from his bedroom, to the couch, to whatever room he’s working in. He’s used it so much it has already started to stretch out, so it’s even bigger than when it started, and wraps all the way around him. A natural blocking, if you will.

It seems to me that afghans and blankets are the greatest symbol of the idea of home. Something warm and comfortable to wrap yourself in entirely. All-encompassing. A few birthdays ago, I received the book The Gentle Art of Domesticity by Jane Brocket. This book is met with a lot of controversy, because at face value it seems to go against the principles of feminism. I’m a feminist as much as the next, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love this book, and have the aching desire to create a sense of home. Taking care of people means making them feel safe and at home with you. Home is wherever I’m with you. And right now, knitting blankets is the best way I know how to create “home.”

This is the one project I’ve made that made me feel genuinely proud to part of the knitting world. Knitting is a tangible way of loving and caring, and I’ve never met a knitter who is anything but that. Yesterday I was on the subway, and I saw a blind woman knitting. She was knitting so much faster than I ever could, and she was smiling the whole time. She had a seeing eye dog named Lacey, who was a golden retriever, and the woman was single-handedly the most inspiring person I’ve ever come across. I know this post is getting rambly and all, and this isn’t what I learned about writing in college, but what I’m trying to say isn’t coming out the way I want it to. I have a really bad cold right now, so maybe that’s why things don’t make sense. Either way. I’m glad knitters keep people warm. And love people.

There it is.

Happy new year everyone. May 2012 be your year!

And just to end it on a different note, here’s a picture of Dan’s Maine Coon cat. He is happy I exist only occasion. Those occasions are usually when I have extra yarn to give him. Then we’re besties.

In Which I Review Jordana Paige’s L.J. Kaelms Knitting Bag

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Before I start this review, I’d like to note that I have a new Facebook page for this site. If you’re so inclined, please pop over and “like” it. I feel really weird asking people to do this, but I can assure you that it will soon include updates, contests, giveaways, etc. Thanks! :)

* * *

Up until a few months ago, I had a purse that I loved. It was HUGE, had three separate compartments so my yarn didn’t get tangled in my books, and my books didn’t get wet and wrinkly from being next to my water bottle, and (best of all) I got it for $12 at JCPenney.

A win all around.

But, alas, I had it for many years, and to be perfectly honest, I put my bags through a lot of abuse. I like to live out of my bag, and this one was starting to show that. I was at Target one day, and they had an adorable purple purse that just might have been able to get me through the death of my favorite bag.

"Wow, Susan, that is cute!" you say

 

"Gee, it's even cute when you're pretending to be a deranged ballerina!"

 

I liked this purse so much that I didn’t even wait for it to go on sale. First mistake. This bag was singlehandedly the worst bag I’ve ever owned. Please note:

This is without any knitting, books, or water bottles in it (I carry a bottle of water with me everywhere I go because it helps reduce some of the OCD anxiety. It’s only been a problem at Pawtucket Red Sox games and Flogging Molly concerts). And because everything just sits at the bottom in a pile, my shoulders hurt all the time from carrying it. Also take note of the rip in the handle on the bottom right due to poor weight distribution. Sad, sad, sad.

I’ve always drooled over knitting bags from Jordana Paige and Namaste, but ever since I got over my high school Vera Bradley phase, I swore I wouldn’t buy expensive purses anymore. I get bored with them too easily, and I don’t feel bad replacing them if they only cost $20.

For Christmas, though, my parents got me this beauty:

 

Please note the brilliant organization. And pockets. Oof. The pockets!

Pros and cons of this bag:

Pros

-Teal
-Pockets
-Knitting doesn’t get all felty when it’s in the bag, meaning I can start knitting with Malabrigo Lace again
-Loops on the side to feed yarn through, so the yarn ball stays in the bag instead of rolling around all over the floor of the train. I suppose this could also be a con, because now I don’t get to have any more train conversations where I frantically ask the business men in front of me to pick up the ball of Cactus Rose-colored merino wool that just rolled under their feet, which they do, but then can’t figure out how to get it back to me. “Should I break it?” they ask, to which me and the woman next to me scream “NO!”, then politely ask them to roll it back to me under their seat. I will miss those days, though I won’t miss picking lint and dirt off of my yarn balls.
-Pockets
-I hear rumors that the middle pocket will fit an iPad
-Made of vegan snakeskin or leather, opening itself up for jokes such as, “Made of 100% real vegans!”

Cons

-Jk. It’s not made of vegans. It’s made of PVC. It stinks to the high heavens. The smell of PVC is reminiscent of the time a sporting attire store moved into my local mall, and everyone was pissing themselves over it because they sold $4 “leather” jackets. They were really just PVC. The whole mall smelled like it, as did my middle school, where every boy and some of the girls wore them. At any rate, I’m hoping it will air out. The mall never did.
- It comes with a removable pouch to keep notions in, and it’s supposed to snap to the side of the bag. One of the snaps on my pouch is broken, so it doesn’t stay in the bag. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt, though, and say that when I email them to ask about it, they’ll be friendly. Knitterly companies usually are. :)

**UPDATE!** I was right. Jordana replaced the part lickety split. And the PVC smell is starting to air out, as expected.

I think me and this bag can stick it out for the long haul. So far, I’m very much in love with it, and doubt that I will ever want to replace it with a $20 Target bag that soon becomes the bane of my existence. It’s nice to have a purse again that doesn’t cause me grief and anxiety. The little things, you know?

In Which I am Ever So Excited

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What a long strange trip it’s been in Foreman’s basement…

This is the line I think of whenever something is winding down and ending. Usually it doesn’t apply, and no one knows what it’s from (bonus points if you do), but 2011 has in fact been a strange, strange year. No other year has been quite like this one. 2011 started on the highway back from Boston, listening to my boyfriend’s best friend and sister tell stories about the high school version of him, and I don’t know if I ever laughed that hard. I went to bars with my friends, where Emily taught me about Tequila Sunrises, and I ate pints of ice cream with Casey under the Christmas lights in her dorm room that never made their way off the walls. I got engaged in April. I moved back home with my parents. I started to wonder about Tourette’s. I wrote 60 pages of a young adult novel for my BFA thesis. I decided to rethink my hatred of hand knit socks, and fell in love with them instead. My boss, one of my best friends along with his wife, moved six hours away. I got a full-time job. I graduated. I left my old job. I cried all day. I learned about things I can’t control, and things I can, and how to handle the difference.

Learning about control has been a huge part of this year for me. There are so many things that are out of my control, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about them, like having Tourette’s and OCD (to be fair, the OCD is probably responsible for this need for control, but that’s besides the point), or when Dan gets sick, or when the train is late, or yadda yadda yadda. And that’s just not healthy.

2012 is going to be about taking control of the things in my life that I can, and letting go and accepting the things I can’t. My therapist calls this my “empowerment.” She’s a knitter too, for the record. She made a cowl out of Twinkle Chunky that I’ve been coveting since she showed me. Sometimes we talk about knitting. She’s the best therapist in all the land!

At any rate, I made a list of goals for 2012. They are all a challenge, but easily attainable if I work for them. Working for them will give me something I can control, so the things I can’t won’t seem like such a big deal. And can I just say, I am SO EXCITED about these!!!

Here goes:

1. Knit at least 3 sweaters

I don’t knit too many sweaters because I hate spending so much money on yarn all in one go. But I just finished a Central Park Hoodie sweater out of Malabrigo Worsted, and basically haven’t taken it off since I seamed it together. I make so many hats and gloves and scarves that they don’t always get worn, and if I add up how much money I spent on that yarn, combined with how long they took me to make, and how much use I get out of them, then sweaters might just be more economical.

I definitely want to make the Kara sweater and the Fairisle Dolman. The third is yet to come.

2. Design and publish 3 patterns

I have the Mrs. Buchanan gloves pattern out now, I have a pattern for a bag in the soon-to-be-released Fresh Designs series from Shannon Okey’s Corporative Press, and I have two free patterns to post once I get my ass in gear. I always forget how much I like designing until I do it, though, so I have several ideas that I can’t wait to release.

3. Knit a pair of Cookie A. socks

So far I’ve only knit the Vanilla socks from the Knitmore Girls. Many pairs of them, but still. I like socks because I can throw them in my bag, and work on them without having to think about what I’m doing. They’re perfectly mindless. I would, though, like to knit a pair of fancy socks, preferably by Cookie A., preferably out of Malabrigo Sock yarn, and I don’t think that will happen unless I make a conscious effort, since I get so wrapped up in simple socks.

4. Knit something from hand spun yarn

I very recently got a Turkish drop spindle from KnitPicks, and I LOVE it! I’m having so much fun spinning on it, and I’m excited by the prospect of spinning enough yarn to knit mittens or something out of it.

5. Knit a fingering weight sweater, designed to fit me exactly

This is not to be included in goals 1 or 2. It’s on it’s own. Ever since I knit a shawl from Malabrigo Sock yarn, I’ve been a craving a sweater made of the same fabric, that fits me in the exact right places. Just a basic stockinette, crew neck, raglan pullover, maybe with a little bit of negative ease so it hugs me. Oof. Seriously drooling over that now.

6. Make a quilt

I don’t get enough use out of my sewing machine, possibly because whenever I do pull it out, it’s to make a dress, and none of the dresses I’ve made have come out very well (I have deceptively broad shoulders. My waist is a good two sizes smaller than my shoulders, which makes it very difficult to figure out sizes. Buying prom dresses was a real treat). But I’ve always wanted to make a quilt, and I think it would the perfect use of my machine. I wouldn’t have to worry about size and fit, I’d just be able to pull it out and go.

7. Yoga 2-4 times a week

Because a girl’s gotta have curves, but also a girl’s gotta get her ass in gear. For reals.

8. Run

This one isn’t necessarily for exercise, even though it’s good for that too. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who could “go for a run,” and come back feeling great, and be all, “oh man, what a good run! Running makes me feel alive! I’m so glad I can run and not have my lungs cave in.” I’m not one of those people. My lungs cave in basically half a block from my house, then I have to walk the rest of the way wheezing and holding my side. One of my tics from the TS is that I breathe out a lot, quickly and shallowly and loudly. This makes it tough to breathe in any kind of normal pattern, which is fine for just sitting around, but not when I’m trying to exert myself. Dan, who is a runner, is going to help me this spring by teaching me how to breathe when I run. Being able to control my breath in a way that allows me to use my body productively is going to make SO MUCH difference in terms of how much control I have. Me controlling my breath, instead of vice versa. What a novel idea!

9. Get a tattoo

Self-explanatory. I have a whole year to not chicken out.

10. Go into everything with a positive attitude, open mind, and sense of humor

Also self-explanatory, but important to remember.

11. Finish the novel I started for my thesis

60 pages done. Many more to go. But it will be so rewarding when I finish it. Also, I would like to feel like I’m doing something creative that could make money, in addition to my office job.

12. Podcast

Oh, that’s right! Next week, I’m starting a knitting podcast. I kept thinking I would do one sometime in the future, with no specific idea when, but then I found myself thinking, “I’d like to knit this, but I think I’ll wait until I start podcasting, because then I can talk about it.” Which seems to me to mean PODCAST NOW! My brother’s writing me a theme song as we speak, I’m going to buy podcast hosting, and I’m going to start recording next week. Which brings us to the last goal:

13. Blog 1-2 times per week

Now that I’m not in school, I’m working, but my free time is mine. This means homework won’t get in the way of blogging and knitting and doing whatever it is I’d rather be doing than reading Hawthorne. WHICH BRINGS US TO MY REALLY BIG AWESOME ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

This blog is going to be moving to it’s OWN DOMAIN!!!

Dan just told me that this is what he got me for Christmas. I could not be more excited! I’ve been thinking about moving over for a long time, but never looked into it enough to do it. But as soon as he can help me figure it out, I’m going to be at www.withpointedsticks.com

EEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll give more information when the time comes, and I’m pretty sure this will automatically redirect. But for now, just EEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy holidays everyone, and may your 2012 be everything you want it to be!

In Which is that Christmas Morning Creeping?

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I’m only doing a few Christmas gifts this year (because oh man did I learn my lesson last year),  and the recipients know not to expect them before Christmas. So while I’ve been putting those gifts off, I’ve been finishing this:

Please forgive this picture. It's late on a Friday night. It's a wonder I'm even awake right now.

The fiance wanted a scarf, and damn if I can resist a chance to bust out some Malabrigo! Irish Hiking Scarf for Irish Dan.

The pattern was super easy, it was a nice change a pace from some of the other stuff I’ve had on the needles recently (more on that on a later date). And after a long, hard week, sometimes Malabrigo scarves are important. I think I’ll keep it on for tonight. It’s so very warm.

Also, can we take a second to talk about this song? I’ve listened to it AT LEAST 50 times since I downloaded it two days ago. I heard it from Jackie over at KIPing it Real, and GOOD GRACIOUS does it make me feel things!

In Which…

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I have a lot of knitting related things to tell you about, but first I have to get this post out of the way. I want to explain my absence here over the past several months.

I found out recently that I have Tourette Syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I have a long post written with all of the details, but I realized that’s more for me than the world. Maybe someday when it’s not so new, I’ll publish that post. But for now, I just want to make it known. It’s been taking up a lot of my energies, so I know it’s going to come up in my blog posts, and I’m thinking about getting into podcasting, and I know it will have to come out there. I don’t want it to be a surprise then, or something that’s just slipped in. I don’t want to keep this a secret, because it feels wrong not to be honest about it. And ignoring it here would be dishonest. So there it is. Nothing is different because I’ve had both of these things since I was eight. Now they just have a name, and they’re being helped.

I made a cabled afghan in the absence as well. Get ready for that in the next post!


In Which I Am Still Alive, Just Hibernating

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Conversation with my brother after my mother announced her new diet:

Andrew: But this is the season to be a glutton and drink.
Me: Just like Jesus wanted.
Andrew: Hey! He turned the water into the wine!

I hope everyone who celebrates it is having a great Thanksgiving, and a great first day of the Christmas season (in my book anyway)! I’m thankful for my fabulous family and friends, my wonderful fiance, my new grown-up job, and for getting through the last few months in one piece. I’m celebrating by knitting an Etta out of Malabrigo Worsted in Alpine Pearl that Dan gave me for my birthday a few months ago. He gets it.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!